A Post About Patrick & Movies


Patrick is in Egypt. Which is good for him. He seems very happy. What he failed to consider though is that when he is in Egypt he is not here and thus he is being a huge inconvenience to me. To be fair I do not hang out with Patrick all that much but when we do I know I have to set aside more time than planned for it simply because when we first start it’s hard to stop again (that’s a good thing). But even though we are not that frequently together Patrick is very important to me and as such the knowledge that I could, at any time, pick up the phone and text him and be in his vicinity twenty minutes later is important. To me. Hence the inconvenience. I know what you’re thinking. Patrick is kindof a prick. But I forgive him. He’s worth it.

So I like cuddling up with a nice movie just as much as the other guy (or girl). And when I say “cuddling up with a movie” I really mean cuddling up with another person and watching a movie. The movie is central yet also but a prop. It’s more important than the candles and the tea (by a fraction) of course but less important than the company, the snacks and warm, soft (preferably flat and with regular dimensions) objects.

I do not, however, like to watch a movie I have not seen before in this setting. It makes me extremely uncomfortable. This is why I never answer the quiz about how many of the 100 greatest movies of all times I have seen that tends to pop up on Facebok every once in a while. I don’t want people to know. I will give ambigous or even downright misleading answers to the otherwise simple question “have you seen this movie?”. I do not keep DVD’s on display. When I watch a movie I do it in secret with the door closed. My movies folder is on my computer is harder to find than my porn folder (as it happens the movie folder is inside the porn folder – or was because now I revealed that and must find another place to hide it (or this is a deception and it is still hidden in the porn folder while you look everywhere else (and hey get away from my computer – freak))). Why? Not all movies are good for watching together. Here’s just a short list of what can render a movie unwatchable.

  • The movie is bad. But you are under the covers, eating snacks and all that and if you get up the spell is broken and it cannot be restored. You have to watch the movie and try in desperation not to indulge the urge to start talking just to drown out the horrid dialogue.
  • The movie has shock effects (and you are balancing ice cream on your lap).
  • The movie contains scenes that cause you to have an erection at inopportune moments.
  • The movie is based on a book and while you wanted to give it a chance you wish you had the opportunity to bail out if it turns out to be butchering a piece of writing you actually like (liked).

You might have guessed the pattern by now. What I really begrudge is the fact that when watching a movie together you must commit. You’re trapped. There’s certain things you can and cannot do and certain reactions that are suddenly not ok anymore. And I hold that when you sit down with a friend to watch a movie there’s no such thing as “the joy of experiencing something together”. No no no. While we like the idea of going on an adventure, hand in hand, what we really want is a certain kind of experience and if the movie fails to deliver we will be disapointed. Fact. This is why I do not like to engage in twosome movie watching with movies that I have not sampled and judged beforehand, this is why I’ll rather lie to you about my history with a certain movie in order to make sure we watch it or do not watch it and this is why we always have great movie moments together. You’re welcome.

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One response

  1. Behind every aspect of life that seems effortless, perfect and just right lies a lot of research, practice, rehearsals and trial runs. Some will erroneously label it as good taste or simply expertise but in order to make every event be perfect you need to apply this.
    I often say that anything worth doing is worth over-doing and this is exactly what I mean.
    I applaud your use of this approach on the smaller things in life (and not just the larger annual projects).

    October 12, 2012 at 00:52

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